Coaching with Dr. Marshall Goldsmith

I recently attended a 2 day workshop on executive coaching at Indian School of Business ( ISB ) , Hyderabad with Dr Marshall Goldsmith , International renowned Executive Coach and author of many books including the Best Seller " What brought you here won't get you there". He said, while handing over an autographed copy of this book, that while this is best seller and was among top10 selling books in US , another book which sold more than his, was a diet book. He was quite easy with that. But the bigger point he made was , that only if we could all get thinner by buying & reading diet books, US would have the most thinnest people in the world . But the reality is different.

We all know what is good , but we dont go out and do that good.Those who do..go and make life for themselves and impact lives of others too ..

I had planned to attend his workshop to learn and hone my skills as an executive coach. But Marshall Goldsmith had something else in mind too. A buddhist , I could make out , is out there sharing his wisdom and learnings much beyond executive coaching.

I am not going into details of his effective coaching methodology and his success around the world with CEOs of Multi Billion dollar corporations acknowledging his contribution. Perhaps a google search with his name would tell you more than I can in this blog . So go and read if you are interested. I am here to share that I have learned some things that I did not go there for. I am thankful to him for that. I always knew that I have to learn a lot , apart from other things , to be a executive coach in behavioral areas. What I learnt though is that I need to be a better person and human being first. Please don't miss my " better". I am a good person and human being. I need to be better though. In so many ways.

Dr Marshall Goldsmith reminded us. He shared a story of our very own Mahatma Gandhi. A lady came to him and requested him to persuade her son to leave sugar. Gandhiji asked them to come back after 6 months. Six months later the women asked him the reasons for asking them to wait for this time. He said I wanted to leave sugar myself before advising others to do it.

I guess Dr. Marshall Goldsmith was asking us, goading us , persuading us to be better person,before we go out and start coaching others. Other participants in the program may not agree with me, but so what. I dont care. I got my message. I am going to work on it.

In fact I have begun. I needed to start and sustain the learnings.I feel nice about it. Take a deep breath. My co participants will understand. Thank you Marshall. Thank you all.

Before I sign off , I will be back with more on what I have done .My next blog.

Mother

My Mother is 83 now. Struggling with Cancer,back problem,bed ridden,aided by nurses for her basic needs. She religiously takes all the medicines that my brothers/sister in laws motivate her to take. She has been through hell past 5 months.She wants to get up and move around without any help.She doesn't like any bit of it. She doesn't respond as enthusiastically to positive, motivational talks by her sons & Daughter in laws.

She was never like this. She was never the one to cow down. She had lived her life working hard and working for well of others.

I am reminded of a summer holiday , as a 10-11 year old way back in 70s. I was sitting on a chair and she across me.I don't remember how but, she started sharing the experiences of her migrating to India in the tragic partition of 1947, alongwith her sisters. I kept listening with awe,surprise and horror. The travails of 3 sisters , my mother being youngest at 20 / 21 , boarding the train from Pakistan to India and the help she got from Muslim friends. She was told by the Muslim Station Master, that being under instructions, he has to open firing on people when train stops at the station. He said he will do so, in air, & that the 3 sisters should run and board the train, irrespective. They ran barefoot across fields leaving behind all possessions they ever had.

That was my first lesson on history.

That was also the day I had an impression about my mother. She is strong & Brave.She never saw her father again.

Circa 1989 , in Meerut (UP) was on a rickshaw ( manual) with my mother.Felt very embarrassed and told her next time when she travels with me , it would in car only. Circa 91 bought my own car and was driving her mostly between Noida and Meerut. She reminded me of my resolve / promise to her, which I had almost forgotten.

That was my first lesson in Mother's pride.

That was also the day I had an impression about my mother. She will always make you look and feel better.

It was an awesome day for my mother , sometime in 1981 / 1982 .A Day when her eldest son , my brother, was starting his life as a businessman .She was all decked up and applied nail polish. I noticed it for the first time. I was all of 16/17 then. Later in the evening I told her never to apply nail polish ever again, as that makes her look like so many other women. She felt odd but smiled.

That was my first lesson on beauty.Beauty of a mother is unique & special.

That was also the day I learnt that all mothers are beautiful. They are unique. Each one of them. They should always stay that way , is the wish and hope of the children. Mothers must be preserved.

My mother married quite late.She was almost 27 years. Quite late , in India of 50s. Intrigued I asked her. The story that she shared made me think. She was there helping her eldest sister, a widowed women, help her raise her young kids , while the sister , a trained nurse, earned the bread to feed a large family. That was more critical than being married.

That was my lesson on Sacrifice.

That day I also learned that being self less is not easy. But Mothers do it effortlessly. It is second nature to them.

There is so much to write and share. Nothing can be enough for mothers. Any mother.

I was tempted to title this blog with my mothers name. I did not do so. I believe with some changes of dates and events , this could very well be the story of any mother in this world, as told by her children.

I live away , so I call her up and talk every week , atleast. She would never say anything about her health or physical condition unless asked. At end of the call she would say " Jeende Raho, Lambi Umra'n". How I wish each child can wish and say the same to their old and ailing mothers. Perhaps it is not customary. I am sure though a prayer in heart is as powerful. I know for sure God above us knows the heart of each child and is doing his best under the circumstances.

I am fortunate to have this lady as my mother. Literally. She told me long time back that she had planned to abort me. I was the third child. She changed her mind. What, If she had not changed her mind. I would not have known this beautiful & wonderful human being. My Mother.Thank you.

Usha Didi

There are inspiring stories around us. Do we even notice? The learnings from these, if we bother to understand, are quite profound. I think we are basically lazy as we want these stories to come to us. The person has to be famous for us to believe the story & get inspired.

Look around for an inspiration you will have one. I did recently. I must admit though that I was also lazy all these past 25 years.

My great learning got revisited when I met “Usha Didi” few days back at my parents place. My earliest memories of Usha Didi is when I was just 12-13 year old in Meerut, a small, sleepy (then) town in Western UP. I was too young to understand then. Later I left the city when I was 20 and hence was not privy to developments in her family & life.

Usha Didi is an illiterate lady, who had to fend for her 4 kids and a disinterested husband. The kids were all less than 5-6 years age. In the last 25-30 years, she has raised them, educated them, married them off and now lives independently a retired life with her two sons who live next door to her.

You must be wondering what is so unique in this. Let me share.

Usha Didi lived and survived by being a domestic help in houses in the vicinity including mine. She used to mop floors and clean utensils for a living. She ran her household on the meager amount. She has raised her two sons who have now grown to be business person working together. Both her daughters are educated, married , working and doing very well.

I met her few days back. Rather she came to meet me when she heard I am there. Smiling. I noticed now in that old face were two eyes “twinkling”. No worries look & fit as ever. Amazing self esteem. Pride in her children’s progress when she shared all what is happening in her children’s life.

I as ked her on how does it feel after all these years of hard, manual work. She only said I only wanted my children to have a better life than me. I have been able to do that. That makes it worth-while.

Who was her source of inspiration? Did she read books on positive thinking? Who told her about responsible parenting? How did she guide her children? She could not afford TV.
Being illiterate no reading of books, magazines and self help articles.

So I reflected on my way back from Meerut to Hyderabad – a good 6 hours of road and air travel. I recalled some incidents & carefully analysed various random incidents she shared and have to come to some conclusions. That is when I decided to write this blog.

She had aspirations. Aspirations were the motivation for her. Better Life.
She was realistic. Influenced her son to marry a working girl.
She was also good to spot talent. Got great Grooms for both her daughters.
She knew importance of networking. She is still in touch with families where she worked.
She read the environment. Knew importance of education.
She encouraged her kids to feel equal to anybody. The kids have grown up with lot of self esteem and confidence.
There are millions of stories and people around us which we tend to overlook. Because of what? Our learning disability.
Usha Didi is still smiling without knowing that her life has inspired this blog.
Usha Didi still cannot read.
She will never read this article. Perhaps one day when I meet her next I will explain to her what I wrote and why I wrote it.
Do you think she will understand. You guessed it right.

Weekends are for NOTHING

Of late , I have been very regular on Facebook , ( only on Fridays Mornings) and post an interesting & funny update on Importance of weekend exhorting my friends to use it as a depleting resource and make most of it. The most profound impact has been on me , myself. It is almost 12 weeks that I have posted update on Weekends and since then I believe I have been able to do much better in terms of - slow down , relax , chill , take it easy , family etc.

I do almost the same things as I used to do earlier on weekends , but it seems that now I like them more. These two days move at a magical , relaxing pace.

I have also noticed that the depressing feeling on sunday evenings , is not there anymore.The usual feeling of Monday, on Sunday evening, has gone away . On reflection I guess it has to do with how I have started managing and dealing my weekend. It is therefore nothing to do with Monday Blues but more to do with how we have lived through the weekend.

I have done enough preamble so let me now share somethings that I have done ..the HOW

1.First and foremost I have stopped creating a personal " To Do list" for weekend .Not alone not with family. I would rather let it flow out over breakfasts and lunch with family on saturdays.
2.I am never in a hurry to end something I am doing , just because I have to start another thing. There are no time tables.
3.I do not reject any thoughts that come first to my mind now on weekends , on what should I be doing next. If it means , leaving a book I am reading , just because I have seen that dining chairs would do with some cleaning, so be it. I am off with cleaning chairs next 30-40 minutes.
4.Taking small naps anytime of the day , has become my signature now.
5.We go out when we are ready, rather than get ready by agreed time. I dont insist anymore on my family to be punctual on agreed time , to be ready to go out. So we go out when we are ready.

Weekends are for doing nothing. I am on my way to achieve whatever perfection is possible to achieve" nothingness". I am not sure where I have reached on this journey. But I am enjoying it. Join me in celebrating and providing the " Weekends" the respect that they so richly deserve.

Remember GOD created teh weekends. Respect GOD , respect Weekends.

Success @ Failures

We all have loved stories , From early childhood stories of " Ek Tha Raja" from our grandparents and parents to Chacha Chaudhries & Amar Chitra Kathas to Films and TV.We love them , we adore them and very often we do learn from them, when we care to pause and reflect.

In this day and age of nuclear families and fast paced Double Income households, we have probably lost the art of pause and reflection to so much happening around us. Perhaps we think , this is a luxurly pursuit and let it be left to thinkers.

However , those who do pause and reflect , do learn from incidents , events, people & situations happening dime a dozen in their own lives. They grow wiser from it. Only they do. Or may be a very small group of friends and family , if they chose to talk and discuss about it. Even that may not happen as we all fear censure and ridicule , havent we heard - Fools make mistakes and Wise men learn from it.We all want to be known as wise.

My take is " Learning happens " even when you may be perceived as a fool or a wise person.

Why label ourselves.We all make mistakes . Dont we.But when we learn from them and avoid repitition , we all are wiser and not fool's anymore.

Organizations realise the cost of mistakes and hence HR / Business Managers encourage employees to share their failures. They almost make " Failure a celebration". They have an interest in doing so. They dont want precious resources of company being wasted- Time and Money - and with such sharings they avoid repititions and repeated failures.

Do we have similar mechanism in our small communities of family and friends. NO. Do we have larger communities talking about it . NO. Is there any way that we all can understand our issues and their resolutions as a student ,Children , parents, Spouse amd a member of society.

Perhaps there is. Perhaps a networking cutting across close family and friends , perhaps a collobrative society culture and perhaps colloborative learning will help.

We do find lot of self help books now on shelves of book shops , where people go to buy books and learn from EXPERTS , who seem to have an answer. However how many have access to them .

I am therefore inclined to believe that we must , as a role holder in our families, share our failures and learnings from it , in personal capacity . The sharing could be from events and situations where we acted prudently but in hindsight realised our approach was not correct. These situations could range from decisions about child education stream , to choosing a groom / bride for your kid , to choice of career etc.

Parents

There comes a time in our lives , when we seem to have either " arrived" or we are well on course to rreach our Goals, material that may be. Atleast for our generation ( 60s Born) , it is generally said that people peak in their potential by mid to late 40s. Probably it means that people feel pretty secure about their own and their children future and well being.

While this may be true in most cases, one fact seemingly is also true that people of this age group ( as of now) miss their parents. Either they are no more , sad, or the parents have reached an age , when they are not as healthy and filled with enthusiasm.

There is no bigger and better joy, as a parent, than to be able to enjoy and partake in the success , by any paramater, of their children.When you meet and talk to your old parents, the glint in their eyes, smile on their face, the hug and affectionate placement of their hand on your head and back to wish you more of success, health & peace , gives a feeling which is unparallelled , so humbling that I wish that there was a magic wand with me to make them younger and healthier.

But I can only wish. It makes me emotional. It breaks my heart.

My parents generation have had a difficult life - Loss & Pain of Partition , Living lives within limited means , no fancy holidays , Raising us in difficult times, struggling in times of cash crunches due to failed business yet providing us all with what we needed.

They have forgotten all their trying n painful times , because they see in us the fruits of their wishes and hard work.

They have forgotten. I have not. I hope I can payback.

God give me the strength and us time to do that, all my life.I am sure HE will listen.

It is ironical that while CWG 2010 was happpening in India , with all the controversies of corruption and ineptness of Govt. Departments & politicains involved , there was a marketing campaign being run by IDFC - Infrastruture Bonds.

The campaign theme appeared to be " Become an owner of India's Infrastructure ( Road, Airports)". The Noble thought being pushed was - Invest in these bonds and help build infrastructure of India, which will make your own life good and do you proud as an Indian & Countrymen.

Wasn't Govt intention in conducting the CWG the same ? So where did it go wrong?. Hopefully the inquiry Instituted by the Govt. will reveal and punish the wrong and wrongdoers. I say hopefully , because I am not hopeful.

Let me share my reasons why?

Indian Goverments, have never acted in a comprehensive & decisive manner, in the past, when it came to matters concerning common man being impacted by their deceitful, manipulative & unimaginative actions, even though those have come out and have become common knowledge.- Bhopal, 26/11 , Telecom & ........

The principal opposition party has suddenly gone silent, perhaps, put on backfoot by a strategic action of raid by IT on Mr. Sudhansu Mittal. This is even after Nitin Gadkari went ahead alleging PMO being party to such large scale corruption. This ccandal , I believe had the potential to bring down this Government. Not anymore. This entire scandal has the potential to weaken the establishment ( political system & bureacracy) irreparably & hence there seems to be a silent acceptance amongst the estbalishment to rally behind each other , failing which they believe they all will be easy targets in Media and general public. Left Parties which threatened to bring down Govt on price rise , called for bandh , nuclear bill is virtually silent. Not one major leader has come out with any statement. The Political class is getting together to show solidarity.

This solidarity means that " They will continue to be corrupt & blase about it".Common man - go take a walk....They have mocked us in the past and they will mock us in the future.

The major channels & media are now looking at new stories & controversies.CWG 2010 is not anymore occupying prime time news & debates. The voice is not as shrill anymore. The Journalism not as incisive anymore. Meanwhile Poiliticians and Bureaucrats are preparing themselves with armoury , due to more than adequate time given by the , ironically, most honest PM.Forewarned is effective than forearmed.They are Forewarned.

We are corrupt. Absolutely.Not only in terms of money but also in our intentions and execution. The entire planning on inquiry has been good , all politically correct decisions have been taken till now. Hereafter is action time. Now , like CWG , scope of work, deadlines, timelines , multiple agencies, blame game, procedural issues ..will come out. Finally a face-saving gesture of removing few ministers from key positions.

Common man , while you are proud on infrastructure remember it is built on money collected from you and not even spent judicously. Perhaps the Ad from IDFC should have shown that same common man is so disgusted that - he removes chair from airport and takes them home. Thats where he belongs. He should not come out of home at all.He will stay happy there only. Politicians dont want him outside. Common man causes them unneccesary headache and makes them work hard & even smarter in being corrupt and inept.

This carnage by Govt in CWG 2010 is more gruesome that 26/11. In fact the more I think , the more I believe that more or less both these events are similar and yet the public response has been very different. Candle Lit marches, gatherings at iconic places , News channels reporting was way too serious and motivating. Govt did take corrective actions. How much and how effective ..wait and watch.

This time however , how wonderful it will be if there are overnight candle light marches on India Gate & Gatway of India , peacefully, by common man coming together. It is our money , wasted. It is our trust , betrayed. It is our confidence , shaken. It is our country , shamed.

Let Govt issue a inquiry map clearly stating no. of contracts being investigated and timelines by which each will be made public, with each passing week. Certainly contracts of 20 crore can be investigated faster than those worth 2000 crores. Let people demand it. Let us request Electronic Media to stay focussed and continue with this issue as headlines.

Politicains need pressure to work , apart from our money.

Did I say I am hopeful?